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Tuesday, November 2, 2010 { 3:51 AM }

and as i watched playful kiss' final episode, a scene where seung jo and ha ni cuddles together and just enjoy each other's company and poking fun at each other, my mind automatically goes back to the days that we used to do that too. feeling safe in those arms and having fun teasing him.

which undoubtedly makes me hate myself for recalling it again. i'm supposed to have let go! what am i doing? why does it still seem so vivid in my mind! it sucks. it really does. how, just how can i not recall the sweet old days with him? just how can i not recall how much i actually loved him?

baek seung jo in playful kiss said "your smiles make my days feel better, it makes me happy too" this was a line i used to hear too...but my smiles means nothing more than hatred to him these days, with that filthy look i get. and i still have no idea, what have i done wrong. why am i the one suffering instead? ): it's almost been 7 months, but yet i still cant forget the happy memories everytime i watch such a scene on my korean shows.
wah lao eh, isn't it time to not recall such crap?

sighs. its been really emo time for me these few days.
being called a fake for the second time, ending a friendship (which was really hard to continue with because k was a friend with too much emotional bundle to handle and with rapid mood swings, its just too hard but nevetheless...i've lost a friend), feeling really alone sometimes, its just really trying.

when people call me fake, or scold me names, or make negative or hurtful remarks about me, somehow or rather, i'd always take it to heart, and it'd bother me so much, i'll start doubting my own sanity or character. it hurts. i can't help it that i have a lower self esteem and lower confidence than others (probably brought about by my secondary school incident). i just, cant seem to not take it to heart. am i really a fake? am i really that ugly and fat? am i just some mean bitch? it eventually leads to "so who/what am i really?"

there's no one new in my life to distract me now. lol. i'm on my own. i think i've finally come to understand why people indulge in singers and actors instead. because reality bites. it's our fantasy to have boyfriends and girlfriends that are ideal, so we choose those korean singers and all because they "seem" ideal. but to me, it's faux. if you truly get to know the person, your opinion might change 180 degrees... tested and verified. so its better to like someone from afar, someone you don't know, and will never know. that why, your impression of the person is highly unlikely to change like the wind directions and you'll never get hurt... simple logic.

will finish studying 2 chapters of marketing and 1 chapter of FI tomorrow. or at least accomplish 2 tutorials in total anyways. i should start mugging if i dont wanna lose out. i dont wanna lose out to kh and kh. (omg. they even have the same initials. O M G. -_-" i'll never go close to anyone else with those initials). i really don't.

hazel's coming back to learn korean with me. to be honest, she's like my soulmate in poly year 3, thank god we didn't turn les together. hahaha. for all you know, we would have made a better les couple than any other straight couples out there! afterall, girls who turn les have somehow given up hope on guys.

ahhh. i can go on ranting forever. its just my random thoughts. am glad i locked my blog up actually.

and i think that things between finny and ble...will turn out fine, somehow. in my eyes, ble does like her. he just needs time to be sure. and finny, is feeling lost because its obvious she likes him too...that's just my third person point of view. it'd work out fine. (: i'm pretty envious of them to be honest...it's not easy to find someone whom you can last long enough with, and enjoy each other's company for...

sweet things, never last.